Jesus: The Forgotten Years
by Death-Note-Fan89
Summary: Jesus returns to earth as a modern teenager. Fandoms, hormones and bad poetry commence, along with the Badger Club with his old disciples, and the question of his sexuality when he leaves for college. Complete crack. XD
1. Proluge

**Jesus: The Forgotten Years**

Prologue

"Jesus, turn that music _down_!" snaps God, about to lose his patience. Here he was, trying to create a new animal (Dodo version 264), and his son was playing some of the worst music possible at top volume. What boy listened to Justin Beiber, work of the devil?

His son, apparently. Jesus comes running downstairs, pants halfway down his legs, underwear showing. "Dad, lay off, it's _cool_. God, you're so behind..." mutters the teenager (who was still annoyed at how long puberty was taking him).

"Ha ha, very funny. I don't have to be 'cool', son, I have a planet to run," God points out, "now, come help your father with the dodo." Jesus pulls a face. This never went well.

"Dad, the dodos are a rubbish species. And why does this version have three legs?" he demands, looking closely at the blueprints. At least this time wasn't a "screw blueprints, I'm God" time, which never went well, because even God needed blueprints when designing a new animal.

Or recreating a failed one.

"Son, I'm _proud_ of my dodos," snaps God, "it has three legs so it can run faster." Jesus frowns, narrowing his eyes in the best "wtf" look he could give his father.

"Dad, three legs won't make it go faster. It'll just trip over. It'll be a complete embarrassment. And you know all the angels laugh at _me_ when _your_ creations go wrong," he mutters the last part, mostly to himself.

It was true - the angels had long since worked out that considering he created the universe, God didn't always have the best ideas (Just look at how the unicorns turned out!) Of course, you couldn't argue with God, in case he had your existence deleted.

...His _son_ on the other hand...

"Well, does my Justin Beiber Worshiper want to give it a try?" snaps God, "go on!" Jesus glares at him.

"What's wrong with Justin Beiber?" demands Jesus, eyes going starry as he says his name.

"He's a rotten singer, looks like a girl, and I hate him," mutters God, "next you'll be telling me you like Rebecca Black..."

Jesus frowns, "but, dad...she's a great singer. Don't you love her song, Friday?" God rises from his seat, an angry glint in his eyes.

"Son...you're grounded."

"What? Dad, not again! Do you know how hard it is to convince people you're the son of God these days?" demands Jesus.

"Think about that _before_ saying you like these...these...things!"

"They're singers, dad."

And that was how Jesus found himself being reborn on Earth in the twenty first century, with puberty yet to come.

**AN: Please do not be offended. I got hyper whilst studying for my RS exam, and I came up with a bunch of random stuff. So, this fanfic is Jesus in the modern times. Complete crack, not to be taken seriously. If deeply religious...eh...don't read?**

**Otherwise, have fun!**


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N Please do not be offended, and apologies for slow updates. This is what I work on when I am bored and have had sugar, so updates may well take a while, but I do have a vague plan/plot for this. It will take place in two chapters' time, when he reaches puberty.**

**By the way, how do I edit a chapter once it's already up? I want to put the warning from last chapter at the top like people suggested.**

**Disclaimer: Should I do one? Come on, it's kinda obvious I don't own the the Bible in that way...**

Chapter One: Jesus is a troublemaker

First mistake was Jesus' parents. A woman called Mary who had recently had an affair with her boss, and her rather slow witted husband, Joseph. Because really, you'd have to be an idiot in this day and age to believe that your son was the son of God, and not the product of an affair if you had a virgin wife. (Though in this case, he actually was the son of God, but nevermind that!)

At any rate, there we go. Son of God, and here he was in a hospital, which was much better than some stable. Anyone could see that, even a small baby who was only half aware of who he was and where he was.

"Dear, isn't he cute?" coos Mary, looking at her son. "Are you sure he's the son of God?" asks Joseph, a little sceptical still. "Of course I'm sure!" snaps Mary, "an angel told me so!" Her husband nods, and the doctors exchange glances - yup, another insane person on the ward.

Still, it was a sort of humble beginning. An average beginning. It didn't take long for Jesus to start growing up.

They don't call it the "terrible twos" for nothing - there was Jesus, standing at the top of the stairs with a pillow case, the cookie jar in hand (two year olds can achieve anything) and a massive grin on his face.

He gets into the pillow case and slides down the stairs, shrieking as he drops the cookie jar, watching it as it smashes across the floor, along with all the cookies.

"Jesus!" He jumps, looking up at his mother. "…Mummy…" he says softly, putting on the cutest face he could manage. "…How did you get the cookies?" Jesus just grins, trying to climb out of the pillow case.

"You, young man, are in big trouble. What did I tell you about eating cookies before dinner?" asks Mary, picking him up.

_Dad, I hate you. Why couldn't I get a family that allows cookies before dinner?_

What? He may be in the body of a two year old, but he was still a several hundred year old teenager at heart.

"Are you going to eat all your vegetables?" Jesus pulls a face. He did _not _want to be made to eat carrots. Bleugh! He hated carrots! With a passion! They were…_orange._

Yes, he hated the colour orange. Was that a problem? Mary sighs, putting the fork down and looking at Joseph. "You feed him. He won't eat the carrots," she mutters, and Joseph takes the fork, holding it awkwardly in his hand.

"…HERE COMES THE CHOO CHOO TRAIN!" Joseph half shouts, shocking Jesus into opening his mouth, getting the _evil orange carrot _into his mouth. "Aha!" Jesus felt sorry for his "father" - he looked so pleased with himself.

Sadly, after that, they assumed he actually liked those dreaded vegetables, hence his childhood years before he could say "I hate carrots" were terrible indeed,


End file.
